A Mindful Life

Surrounded by silence and space, both in my mind and in my physical body. I feel this instinct to avoid the silence at all costs. I'll draw while I watch a movie, crochet while I talk to my friends, eat while I am doing work, put on background noise as I meditate. There's something mysterious and terrifying in the silent space that surrounds me. It feels as if the silence holds the power to bring to light anything and everything, and when I distract myself, I take the power back. But what if the silence and the space aren't as scary as I feel they are? What if beauty and pain and growth can coexist in this spacious silence? What if being alone with my mind and body could heal rather than destroy?

This pandemic has caused discomfort in different forms. Right now, I am feeling emotional discomfort. Like a combination of genuine gratitude and a fear of the worst. And I am figuring out what I need to do to survive. Should I be confronting my fears? Softening them? Distracting myself? I am becoming comfortable with accepting the discomfort in my environment and in my mind. Becoming comfortable with the idea of questioning the stories I tell myself. Stories, like that I have to make the best possible decisions all the time, that I need to do everything perfectly or it doesn't count, that I am not good enough but will be someday. When so much is uncertain, I want to allow myself to just exist in the flow of my world, falling back and trusting the earth to support me.

"Sometimes I feel moments of harmony where everything in my present is aligned, and the present is all that exists. These moments feel like my favorite song and my ultimate comfort food and they feel like a sunset hike in the spring, right when everything is coming to life for the first time in a long time. When I feel them, it is like time stops, and I am floating in space, just existing, no pressure to be anything but myself."

You don't have to shy away from difficult emotions in order to survive. No matter how hard you try to reject them, they will be there, waiting to express themselves. Give your emotions space to exist, recognizing that just because you feel fear does not mean something scary is going to happen; just because you feel sadness does not mean something dark is going to happen; just because you feel panic does not mean you are in any danger. Solidify your boundary between your emotions and your reality, and allow your emotions to express themselves as they are. You are not defined by them, they do not control you. Give them space.

It is not often that we are aware of and in tune with our breath. But the breath can serve as a strong anchor when you are in a chaotic environment. You can always return to the breath - the rise and fall of the chest and belly, the feeling of air traveling through your body, the brief and peaceful pause between the breath coming and going. When you are feeling overwhelmed by your environment, return to the solid and consistent anchor of your breath. How many seconds are you breathing in and out? Where in your body do you feel the breath the most? Are there any areas of tension in your body where you can direct your breath? You can take a few minutes (or even just a few seconds) to pause and redirect your awareness to the breath. This also helps to bring you back to the present, to the safety of your own body, to your foundation of strength and resilience, to the simple beauty of this moment.

I like to set intentions for myself at each New Moon. Every time I have set a clear intention for moving forward, I have been able to manifest that intention, even when the process is complex and challenging. This cycle, I am focusing on the intention to release perfection and embrace the magical moments in everyday life. I want to move forward with the drive to be instead of to accomplish, to exist in awareness and presence instead of judgment and anticipation. I intend to release my fear of not getting it right, because making mistakes is inevitable, and a perfect life isn't a real one. I move forward with kindness, openness, authenticity, and curiosity. By setting these intentions, I have already started manifesting what I truly desire and have already begun forging a new path.

This time at home has made me realize how obsessed I am with perfection. I need to have the perfect schedule that allows me to get as much done as possible, perfect meditation sessions where I am present the entire time, perfect workout routines that make me look flawless, perfectly executed assignments and tasks and projects, perfect social interactions and perfect art projects. I chase perfection with the expectation that I will catch up to it. But perfection will always be out of reach because that is its nature. Perfection is just an idea, not an achievement. Because even if I were to reach perfection, it would still not be good enough, it would still not make me feel worthy in the way that I often imagine it will. Nothing in life can be flawless or perfect. That is not why we are here. We are here to experience, to learn and grow, to flow with change, to explore. I want to stop chasing the abstract imaginary concept of perfection, to stop running. I want to stop and rest, to look ...